The Plan

I have an intractable problem. You see, I'm both cheap and spoiled. So when I decided I simply must go scuba diving on shipwrecks, I needed to make everything else as cheap as possible.

My original plan was this: Go home for a visit in August, and return to St. Louis via a connecting flight through North Carolina, "accidentally" having a layover of an entire weekend. I wouldn't even have to pay for it because I blackmail my parents; if they dont pay for my flight home, I'm not coming. So, I went ahead and pre-booked my spot on a charter boat in North Carolina, flush with confidence in my imminent success.

The closest airport to Hatteras, North Carolina, is in Raleigh. A 5 hour drive, on a good day. So now I needed to rent a car, drive an assload, and leave the car fallow (but acquiring charges) as I putz around the high seas. Pricey.

Suddenly, an epiphany: halfway between St. Louis and the coast is Great Smoky Mountains National Park. I've wanted to go for years. They have the biggest mountains on the east coast, the highest population of black bears of any park, but most importantly, the highest salamander diversity anywhere in the world. Exciting, no?

So, the plan was changed. Now I'm driving. But that's 17 hours. Fuck that. I need to draw this out. Well, I can still crash in Raleigh with my old friend from Vermont. And I've never been to Nashville. For good reason sure, but its way shorter than a direct drive to GSM.

And you know what? To hell with it, lets backpack while I'm out here. Nevermind the fact that I have neither the gear nor experience. Or hiking partner to rescue me when I fall into a crevice and get impaled on jaggedy shit. You only live once. Why not shorten it?

Now I have just one more problem: Paying for sleep. Even taking into account my borrowed tent (and borrowed backpack, and borrowed sleeping bag, compass, water bottle...), I cant tent out in cities. I need an alternate cheap jew (which I am) plan. This is where Couchsurfing comes in. See, Couchsurfing is a website where people offer their couches to travelers, in the expectation that they'll have a place to crash when its their turn. Sure, works great in theory, but it has problems. And surprisingly, it's not rape.

The problem is that humans, as I so clearly demonstrate, are dicks. I have an exceptional track record of being ignored on couchsurfing.com (yes,there's a website). The only people who seemed to let me into their homes, let alone open messages I send, are ambassadors who are paid to be friendly. They make me feel like a leper. But atleast I have a place to sleep for free. Maybe for a round of beers. I'm pretty sure couchsurfing.com has a strict "no head for bed" rule.

With the basic plan in place, the trip began to grow like an amoeba with cancer. It rapidly went from a 6 day trip to a 15 day trip. Cities I wasnt even considering like Richmond and D.C. were added as I slowly crept north. I needed alittle more support. I needed to do the unthinkable: I needed to invite my father. I suppose then the trade is being able to sleep in a real bed in exchange for wanting to dislocate my jaws so I may chew my own ears off during our long drives. Worth it?

Anyway, so here's the trip:
- A day in Memphis
- A day in Nashville, doing my best to avoid country music
- Two days hiking in the Great Smoky Mountains, trying to see a bear from that "golden distance" where I can see clearly without being eaten
- A day driving to Raleigh, with the knowledge that my friend is waiting for me hopefully preventing me from plowing my car into a concrete divider around hour 6.
- A drive to Hatteras, and a relaxing evening on a beach island. Assuming it hasnt been eradicated by a hurricane. Again.
- Two days of diving and/or binge drinking on the beach. I may even be able to answer the age old rhetorical question "Have you ever tried scuba diving... on weed?"
- A day in Chesapeake with my father. Your guess is as good as mine.
- A day in Richmond with above seed donator. Civilwartastic!
- A day in D.C. and Baltimore. Abandon the motherfucker... well he is!
- Speed run the Smithsonian!
- Three days of hiking alone in the woods of Shenandoah. Will I succumb to starvation, predation, or the realization that I'm just not a very interesting person to be alone with.
- A day in Louisville, actively avoiding that guy who tries to molest me everytime I see him
- Home sweet home!... where I will be sleeping on the futon, as my roommate's girlfriend has taken my spot. I'll be wrapping up my trip by being a couchsurfer in my own apartment. Because God has a sense of humor.

In short, God help me. And stop laughing!